


say you'll stay with me tonight

by LoveWithAGirl



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Future Fic, Getting Together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-12-31 22:40:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18323396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveWithAGirl/pseuds/LoveWithAGirl
Summary: Jester would let him burn her alive; Caleb would let her drown him.They are a collision waiting to happen, him and this girl, he is a comet burning out and caught up in her orbit, but Jester’s mouth against his pulse is the softest gift Caleb has ever been given, and hope beats violently behind his sternum as she carefully pulls his face back towards her.





	say you'll stay with me tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Here's a canon compliant fic set at some vague future point! No real spoilers here, you don't have to be caught up to read this!
> 
> Basically I love Caleb and Jester, and they love each other, and they deserve to be happy together. Here's Caleb trying to figure out what he does and does not deserve, and Jester teaching him that maybe that's not always up to him.

_ “Jester hasn’t been sleeping. She’s wandering the halls at night, Caleb, like a ghost, and she won’t talk to me, and she won’t talk to Yasha. The others haven’t noticed. Do something.” _

Beau’s words echo in Caleb’s mind hours later, burrowing from one ear to the other and keeping him awake long after his friends have all retired to their rooms for the night. This magical mansion has just started to finally feel comfortable, safe, secure, but tonight there is no sense of that. He keeps trying to tell himself that she is exaggerating, that she is playing games, that she is trying to make him admit the feelings he keeps close to his chest, but worry for Jester keeps shoving those unconvincing thoughts aside.

Frumpkin bites his ankle through the blankets, and Caleb finally forces himself into action.

“ _ Genug,  _ I will go check, and she will probably be painting a dick somewhere, and then I can sleep. Everything is fine.” He says it to his cat as he gets out of bed, ties his hair back out of habit and pulls a shirt on before looking back at his bed. Frumpkin has curled up in the warm spot Caleb left behind, and the man cannot help but smile at the loud purring he can hear as he walks towards the door.

Caleb forgoes shoes, as the mansion is a comfortable temperature that he controls, and also because he thinks it will make him retreat to his room, to not linger where Jester may be.

He is lying to himself, but this is not new.

He finds her after ten minutes, not wandering the halls like Beau had said, but curled up in front of the fire in the massive library he always conjures. He almost finds humor in Beau’s comparison of their friend to a ghost, with how pale her nightgown is, but it hurts a little too much when he sees how small she looks alone. Her sketchbook is in front of her, some charcoal in her left hand, but there is no motion; Jester is just staring at the page in front of her, a drawing that Caleb cannot see from his angle. He thinks about leaving her alone for a brief moment, but then he hears a sniffle, and just because he is a coward does not mean he has to be cruel.

Loneliness, for Jester, is much worse than crying in front of someone else.

“Blueberry? You alright?” He says it quietly, pushes the door open further and slips inside, and Jester doesn’t flinch or try to wipe her face, just looks up at him with glassy eyes, and Caleb’s heart breaks for her.

“Not really, no.” Her voice is just as quiet as his, and he can hear her audibly swallow, sees her clench her jaw against the tears he watches gathering at the corners of her eyes. Caleb walks forward slowly, gives her opportunity to turn away or tell him she is only joking, but Jester has never lied to him, and she only sniffles again as he finally lowers himself to sit next to her.

“What’s going on?” He folds his hands in his lap as an effort to not reach out for her, and Jester takes a shuddering breath and twists around to face him more, dropping the charcoal onto the sketchbook by her knee.

“I’m not ready to say goodbye.” Jester’s voice breaks as she says it, and she closes her eyes as tears start rolling down her cheeks; her eyelashes are a dark smudge against her skin, and Caleb is awash in the quiet depth of her emotion.

“Jester, who are you saying goodbye to? Are you planning on leaving?” He tries to say it as gently as possible, tries to hide the urgent panic that swells in his stomach, reaches out carefully to brush the tears away from her cheeks. She leans into one of his hands for the briefest moment before taking a deep breath, and Caleb feels like he has been electrified, pulls his hands away and drops them back into his lap.

He does not deserve the softness she offers.

“No, i’m not planning on it, but,” she pauses and takes another big breath, opens those striking violet eyes and rips the page from her sketchbook to offer him, “I keep dreaming of him, and I can’t lose someone else, Caleb. I can’t. I’d die first.”

Her hand is trembling, knuckles pale where they’re clenched against the sheet she holds in front of him, and Mollymauk is staring up at him,  _ eyes never shut _ , words Jester wasn’t even around to hear, and Caleb glances back up to see Jester looking as if the wrong words will cause her to shatter.

“Everything is so dangerous, now. I know some of you are trying to make it seem like it isn’t, but I’m not stupid, I know how high the stakes are,” and her chest is heaving now, tear tracks red on her cheeks from the firelight catching them, and Caleb is afraid she is going to choke on the weight they have placed on her, “and I know I have to be prepared to bring someone back, but what if I can’t, Caleb? What if it’s more than one? What if I have to  _ choose _ ?” She spits the last word at him in Infernal and then curls in on herself, shoulders heaving with sobs that she tries to muffle with her hands; Molly’s picture falls silently between them, the curl of his mouth daring Caleb to do something.

Caleb regrets never giving in before, but he regrets a lot of things.

This will not be another one.

“Jester,  _ schatz _ , let it out, it’s okay to cry.” He sets the drawing aside carefully and moves around her other side, wraps his arm around her shoulders and tucks her into his side. Jester goes with him easily, ever in need of touch, twists to press her face into his shoulder and just cries. It’s ugly, harsh sobs, her breathing choked and her shoulders heaving under his arm, and he can feel his shirt growing wet under her face.

Caleb presses his mouth to the top of her head and holds on through it all.

“Breathe, Jester, you have to breathe. It’s okay, just breathe.” He lets her cry for as long as he can, but eventually he finds himself murmuring words into her hair, rubbing her back and humming absently between speaking. Jester slowly quiets as he does, taking shaking breaths and hiccuping until she is still against him; when she tries to pull away Caleb lets her, lets his hand slide away from her bare shoulder to rub her back instead.

“Thank you, Caleb.” Her voice is soft, hushed, a stark contrast to how hard she had been crying, but as she wipes her face she smiles at him, small and shaking but genuine, and Caleb loses his breath for a quiet moment.

Jester is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, even with puffy damp eyes and her hair a mess from the way she’s running her fingers through it in a nervous tic he recognizes.

“You never have to thank me for that, Jester,” and the smile she flashes at him is more shy this time, and Caleb keeps rubbing her back and ducks down a little bit to maintain eye contact, “and don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” Jester’s whole body reacts to his statement, slumping into his side again like tension has been cut from strings. She twists at the waist and wraps her arms around his torso, squeezing him tightly before loosening her grip; Caleb brings his other hand up quickly to cradle the back of her head and holds her against him, returns the hug that he never has before.

Jester’s soft sound of surprise is not lost on him, but the way she melts into him feels even better.

“Okay.” She whispers it against his shoulder, squeezes him again, and this time when she starts to draw away Caleb lets her. She smiles up at him, bright and clear, and Caleb’s heart tightens painfully in his chest in a manner he is not unused to by now.

“Think you can sleep now?” He watches as her eyes flick around his face, watches her look for something only she knows, before her smile softens and she nods. Caleb pushes himself up to stand, wincing as his knees pop, and then he offers his hands to Jester without actually meaning to. She doesn’t notice at first, focused on trying to straighten out Molly’s picture and picking up her sketchbook, and Caleb almost takes his hands away, but when Jester looks up and sees them outstretched her face morphs into utter delight, a sunflower blooming bright under light.

Caleb braces his feet, more than aware that Jester is stronger than him and will use him as leverage more than him actually pulling her, and that’s exactly what she does. She stumbles as she straightens up, falls forward into him with an exclamation, and Caleb barely catches her with a start.

“Oh! Sorry, my foot fell asleep.” Her shoulders are unusually warm under his hands, her tail curling around his knee briefly before she pulls away, settling onto her heels with a laugh as she smiles up at him sheepishly. Caleb can see right through her, sees the way she is trying to lighten the mood and put him more at ease, and he marvels at this young woman who cares so much for everyone else.

“That’s alright.” He nods down at her and turns, leading her out of the library and towards the stairs; her bare feet scuff the floor as they walk, the back of her hand bumps against his, and Caleb finds himself offering without meaning to, “I can walk you back to your room, if you want.”

“That would be very nice.” Jester’s voice is round with a smile, and when he looks down at her he can see it spreading across her face. She looks softer, more relaxed, and Caleb finds comfort in having said the right thing for once. They take a left at the top of the stairs, and Caleb finds himself slowing as they approach Jester’s door, still not tired and feeling restless at the thought of leaving her for the night.

“Well, here you are.  _ Gute nacht _ , Jester.” She flashes him a smile as he says it and starts to push her door open; Caleb almost turns away before noticing her hesitate. “Everything okay?”

“Oh, yes! I just remembered, I have something for you. Come in for a minute?” Her voice lilts and dances around him, her eyes flashing as she looks over her shoulder, and Caleb is helpless to do anything but nod and follow when she slips into her room.

The door shuts behind him with a soft click, but Caleb moves no farther, just watches Jester walk to the small table by the fireplace and pick up a piece of paper as she sets down her sketchbook. She turns to him with an excited smile, already holding up the new drawing so he can see it, and Caleb loses his breath as she starts coming back to him.

It’s the two of them, dancing, Jester in his arms and her face upturned towards him, and oh, Caleb can read in every line Jester has rendered exactly what has been building between them. It’s beautiful, lines clean and colors soft like a dream, and Caleb already knows that he cannot accept his gift, it will break him apart to have it on his person.

He also knows it will break her heart if he says no.

“Blueberry, it’s lovely,” and he’s so in his head that the nickname trips off his tongue but she still beams at him as she steps up to him, offers this drawing between them like she is offering her heart, and Caleb aches with want for things he cannot have, “but are you sure you want me to have this?”

“Of course I want you to have it. I drew it for you, Caleb.” She keeps holding it out, smile unwavering, but he can see the uncertainty start to creep into her eyes, and that’s so much worse.

“Then it is mine. Will you hang onto it for the night, though, and give it to me in the morning?” He reaches out with a hand and gently touches one of her wrists, letting his mouth curl up into a smile, and he does not miss the way her shoulders dip slightly in relief. “Frumpkin is a little cross with me right now, and I do not want him to chew on it.”

“Okay, it’s a deal!” She’s giggling as she says it, turns and walks back over to the table, carefully setting the drawing down; Caleb watches her touch gentle fingers to it, her smile fading into something more wistful, and oh, she is going to break his heart.

“Good night, Jester. I will see you tomorrow.” He says it in a rush, turns quickly and reaches for the door, preparing to flee, but then there are words behind him that strike him to the core.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Her voice is small, hopeful, and Caleb looks over his shoulder to see her facing him head on, hands curled in her nightgown and longing plain on her face.

“I shouldn’t.” He doesn’t let go of the doorknob, doesn’t turn around, knows in this moment that if she asks again he will give in so he cannot let her; he would do anything for Jester but he does not deserve to.

“Why? Caleb, I know...I know you’ve been through so much. More than you’ve told me, and I can tell it’s so heavy. But,” and she takes a step towards him, hands twitching like she wants to reach out, “you can let me help you carry it.”

So they are finally going to talk about what they’ve been dancing around.

“Everything I touch turns to ash, Jester.” His mouth is sour with fear, with regret, with longing, but Jester just takes another tentative step towards him, tucking curls behind her ears and sending him into a brief flash of memory.

( _ “What is your favorite color, Caleb?” A soft voice next to him, a knee gently bumping his as they hold watch together out of habit more than necessity, a tail flicking around with his cat. He looks at this young woman sitting next to him, the light thrown across her skin by the fireplace near them. _

_ Blue, blue, blue, all the shades on her body, her freckles, her hair getting so long. _

_ “I do not have one,” and the lies are so much harder to muster these days. _

_ She lets him get away with it anyway.) _

“I’ve been burning for you for a long time, Caleb.” Her words hit him like a knife to the stomach, knocking all the air out of his lungs and setting his heart to try to pound out of his chest. He feels his hand fall back to his side, and finally he turns to face her, this woman he is in love with.

“You can’t mean that.” He’s not aware of saying the words until they are already out of his mouth, and the words sound weak to his own ears; Caleb watches Jester’s mouth take on a determined set as she closes the space between them further, standing right in front of him. “ _ Liebling _ , you can’t...I’m no good for you.” Her face morphs quickly, when he says that, her eyes going soft and sad, and Caleb feels wounded at how plain the emotions she feels for him are on her face.

“And maybe i’m no good for you, but I want to be. And I think you want to be for me, too. So maybe we can do that together.” She’s beautiful and indignant, pushing back against every excuse he tries to give her, and Caleb is barely holding on.

He shakes his head anyway and keeps trying.

“Jester, that’s not how this works,” and it’s so hard to say when the curve of her mouth is so inviting, when the glow of the fire is highlighting the freckles on her shoulders, when Caleb has been lovesick for so long, “we can’t.”

“Well then tell me how it does work, Caleb, because all I know is that I’ve never felt so lost as when you look at me, and I never want you to stop.” She’s whispering as she says it, raising her hand slowly, telegraphing her movements for him, but Caleb does not pull away when her fingertips finally land on his cheek, trembling like butterfly wings. Her eyes are shining bright, two stars lighting up the night he always tries to hide himself in, and Caleb finally gives in to the questions he sees in there.

“I’ve never felt so found.” He lets the truth fall at her feet, raises his hand to cover hers and turns his head to kiss her palm, pressing his mouth to her cool skin as Jester inhales softly; he watches out of the corner of his eye as she sways in towards him, the tide finally coming in to wash him away, and Caleb aches for it, for her.

Jester would let him burn her alive; Caleb would let her drown him.

They are a collision waiting to happen, him and this girl, he is a comet burning out and caught up in her orbit, but Jester’s mouth against his pulse is the softest gift Caleb has ever been given, and hope beats violently behind his sternum as she carefully pulls his face back towards her. The blush high on her cheeks is enough to undo almost all of the restraints that Caleb has been holding on to, and he dips his head to press their lips together, raises both hands to slide his fingers into her hair and hold her close. Jester kisses him back clumsily, sweetly, and an ugly monster rear its head in Caleb’s chest, in the back of his mind, possessive thoughts of  _ mine mine mine. _

“I will ruin you,”  _ and you will ruin me, and I will let you, gottverdammt, _ “and you do not deserve that.” He tries to pull away from her, reminds himself that she is a live flame and he will catch like kindling, but Caleb can not stay away from fire, and those wounded eyes hold him in place. Jester curls her fingers in his open collar and presses up onto tiptoe to nudge her forehead against his, and Caleb feels that last wall threatening to topple over.

“Please, Caleb, don’t we deserve to be happy?” It’s a loaded question that freezes him in place, his hands falling to her shoulders but unable to push her away, and he stares into her violet eyes, always so expressive, and if he lets himself he will be able to trace the path back to where the two of them crossed from the point of a possibility to the point of inevitability.

Caleb has been falling for a very long time; Jester will catch him, he can see it in every line of her face now, and even more obvious than that is that she trusts him to catch her, too.

Caleb is not going to let her down.

“ _ Liebling, _ of course you do, you always have.” He presses the words against her mouth, squeezes her shoulders tightly and them drops his hands to her waist, pulls her impossibly closer and pours every wildfire part of his soul into a kiss that Jester doesn’t falter away from in the slightest. She kisses him back eagerly, one hand still clutching at his shirt and the other arm curling around his neck, her mouth so soft against his and her eyelashes brushing his cheek.

It’s not a perfect kiss, Jester’s inexperience showing through and Caleb years out of practice, but it’s the best one he’s ever had.

“You do too,” she gasps it against his mouth, tongue catching against his lower lip in a way that makes want blaze bright inside of him, “I want to make you happy, too.” Caleb kisses the corner of her mouth, slides a hand up her back, and Jester arches under his touch; he hears her breathing catch as she pushes into him, and that possessive creature snarls inside of him,  _ mine mine mine, forever _ .

It’s the most terrified Caleb has ever been, letting himself finally have what he wants, who he wants, letting these thoughts finally surface.

Jester kisses him again, and Caleb loses himself in her, holds her close and tries to familiarize himself with everything about her that he finally gets to learn, the soft sounds she makes and the eagerness in every kiss and how quickly she matches what he does, as if she wants to learn about him just as much as he does about her. She slides her hand up into his hair, claws briefly catching as she pulls the leather tie out to sink her fingers into his messy locks, and something inside of Caleb snaps at the way she sighs into his mouth.

“Mine,” he snarls against her mouth, spinning them and pressing her against the door, and oh, Jester looks like she would let him devour her, “you are mine,” and he emphasizes it with a hard kiss, drops both hands to her soft hips and squeezes.

“Yes, yours,” she gasps it out as he drops his head to her neck, and Caleb finds her pulse quickly, beating hard against his mouth, and she is alive and here and his. Jester holds his head against her, and Caleb opens his mouth against her skin and bites, tries his best to leave a mark. “But you’re mine too,” and her voice is a high whine but there is such hope and want in it that Caleb melts into her, gentles his touch and mouth.

“Yes, sweetheart, I am yours.” He murmurs it against her skin, kisses down over her shoulder to taste her freckles and then lets her pull him back up to her mouth again. She nudges their noses together and kisses him softly, sliding both hands down to cradle his jaw with careful hands, and Caleb aches in a hundred ways.

“Stay. Please. Just for tonight, if you want. But please.” She whispers it against his mouth, soft and hopeful, and Caleb pulls away enough to look her in the eye; she means it, he realizes, completely and truly. This beautiful woman would let him take one night with her and then leave, if that’s all he wanted. She would let him use her and discard her, loves him enough to take whatever he will offer, however little it may be, it’s written all over her face, and Caleb has to kiss her again as she smooths her thumbs over his cheeks.

“Jester Lavorre, I will stay as many nights as you want me to.” It slips out without Caleb thinking, but he means it wholeheartedly nonetheless. The corners of Jester’s mouth tick up just the slightest as he says it, hope transforming her face, and she drops one hand to curl a fist in his shirt over his heart.

“And if I want forever?” She says it like a dare, but he can see the weakness around her edges, the fear in her eyes, the breath she is holding as she hands over her heart, and Caleb feels gutted.

Caleb has goals, away from this group, this family, this woman he is in love with. He has spells and books and plans that will lead him to leave them behind. He has a past to change and a future to rewrite.

He also has someone else’s heart in his hands, and Caleb knows how precious that is, and knows that while he cannot tell the truth, he is also not going to lie.

“I will give you as long as I can.” It’s a promise, the only one he can can make, and it thankfully seems to be enough for Jester. She lights up when he says it, truly happy because he is willing to stay, and gods above Caleb is so in love with her that it hurts. She pulls him into a hug, sliding both arms around his waist and tucking her face into his neck, and he can feels her smile pressing against his skin.

“Thank you.” She murmurs it like a secret, her eyelashes brushing against his pule, and Caleb wraps both arms around her shoulders, holds her close, and prays that this will be enough, that he will be enough.

It has to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this!! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!
> 
> Title is from "Burning House" by EZA ft Aaron Krause, which absolutely gutted me the first time I heard it. I wrote this because I was watching Les Mis and the lines "I am lost/I am found" exchanged between Marius and Cosette dug into my little Widojest loving gremlin brain and wouldn't let go.
> 
> I listened to "Burning House" on repeat a lot while writing this, as well as Ben Platt's gorgeous new album "Sing To Me Instead" and the song "Goodnight Moon" by Go Radio.
> 
> If you'd like to, you can come find me and talk to me on [tumblr](https://lovewithagirl.tumblr.com/) and [twitter!](https://twitter.com/daleytwin2/)


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